Column 7

What the Guidebook Doesn’t Say: China tips to live by

I’ve been in China now for one month and some odd days, an experience that has been nothing short of a roller coaster. Everything here is “Really” something. Really busy. Really hot. Really fun. Really strange. Really pretty. Really noisy. Really salty. Really spicy. Really crowded. You get the idea. No, it’s not a country of excess such as Italy. It is a country of extremes, or at least some extreme differences. (Then again, I’ve always struggled with the word “moderation” so maybe it’s just me?)

If you happen to be planning a trip to China, especially if you happen to be coming to Beijing for the Games, I’ve prepared for you a mini travel manual. Take these words of warning and recommendations. Here are a few things you should know about China:

1.Beijing time is 13 hours later than South Dakota. So, if right now, you are reading this column at 6:12 p.m. and then I am most likely asleep in my rock hard bed at 7:12 a.m. That’s another thing: the beds here are generally very hard, so if you make a melodramatic flop onto what looks like a fluffy bed, you WILL get a concussion. But at least it’s good for your back.

2.Don’t drink the water, unless the purifier is visible. Stick to bottled water. And don't feel too guilty about hurting the environment with throw away plastic bottles. If you fail to heed this advice, you will find flushing the toilet a gazillion times a day and hundreds of empty Pepto Bismol bottles are also bad for the environment. Plus, Beijing is great about recycling. And remember, China’s water isn’t necessarily bad water, we just aren’t used to it. So, really, it’s our fault.

3. As long as we’re on this topic, when it comes to China’s public restrooms, it’s BYOTP. Bring your own toilet paper. It is also BYOHS. Bring your own hand sanitizer. It is also WBLHTUWICASP. Women better learn how to use what I call “squatty potty.” Closed-toed shoes are recommended for beginners.

4. You can travel anywhere by cab in Beijing for less than 10 dollars. It’s awesome. The cab drivers usually do not take you directly to your destination, so bring an adventuresome attitude and you’re hiking boots.

5. There is not as much written English here as you may expect. Many menus and signs are not translated. Though when they are, it can lead to a few comic situations. Some signs inform you about things such as “Forbid the Bowel Movement” or “Careful Hit Head” or “The Tourist Halts.” One nearby Chinese restaurant serves Jew’s ear and rape meat, which I have yet to try. When confronted with a lack of an English translated menu, you have several options:
a. Point at other people’s food that looks tasty.
b. Bring a translation of popular Chinese dishes, or even a translated menu from another restaurant.
c. Order the Kung Pao Chicken, which is pronounced something like “Kuung Pow Tseeekin.”
d. Cluck like a chicken and see what happens.

6. Cell phones are everywhere here. They are relatively cheap (around 70 bucks) and calling cards are easy to use (they cost about 10 big ones.) If you are staying for a couple of weeks, it is recommended, as hotel phones cost you major buckaroos.

7. Go shopping at one of Beijing’s fantastic markets (pearls, silk, great knock-off purses, shoes, jade, digital cameras, Chairman Mao playing cards.) Even if you’re not a shopper, it’s still an experience. Get ready to haggle, haggle, haggle, as you shouldn’t buy anything for more than a 1/3 of the original price. I bought a short brown wig that I absolutely had to have for only $10!! You can really get some great bargains. However, if you plan to buy shoes and your feet are larger than size seven for women and size 10 men for men, you ain’t got a chance. Lucky for me, my feet are about the size of a hobbit’s. My parent’s are thrilled to hear this. (Not that my feet are hobbit-sized, but that I have an unlimited selection of shoes.)


8. Beijingers are, by and large, uninterested in us. They’ve seen Americans before. Big whoop. But there is an inclusive population as well. So inclusive, in fact, that, you will likely have your picture taken. Permission or not. (And often by the aforementioned cell phones.) Heck, I’ve even held a couple babies.

9. There is something in China called “The Inexplicable Factor”. Actually, I just made that term up because, well, there are many things here that are just inexplicable. Things so far lost in translation, that they are not only in a different country or hemisphere, but a different universe. For example, I went to the same dining hall over 15 times and each time I struggled with ordering (though I used my aforementioned tips like clucking like a chicken and pointing at other people’s food.) Then, one day, the fellow standing next to me simply asks for an English menu, and the same counter lady who has served me for weeks, reaches under the counter and hands him one. She had it the whole time. Inexplicable. Maybe she just like my chicken imitation.

10. When asked a question that you don’t understand—whether it’s from a waitress or a person on the street--your best bet is to just smile and nod. “Yes” leads to more adventures than “No”.

11.Embrace it. China is a strange and fun and fascinating country, one I may not ever completely understand. Just remember: When it comes to understanding this place, you’re just as confused as I am.